if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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