Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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