You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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