there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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