I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
