I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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