don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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