ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
