please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
