walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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