Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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