i already hear my dad disowning me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize