I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
