We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
