You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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