Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
