Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
