she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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