My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Im part way to drunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
