We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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