Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
