I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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