Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
