i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
