When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
