smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
