I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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