I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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