I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So apparently I’m into choking now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize