I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
