Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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