I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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