My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
