you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
