I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
