me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
