The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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