btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
