dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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