no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
