It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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