some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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