i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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