Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
