So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
