dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
