I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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