from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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