I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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