I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
