Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
