I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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