Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
