need another drink. this is the easiest way
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
