you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
