Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I could fuck to npr.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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