That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
