evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
