Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
