Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
