its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
