apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
