Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
